Operation: Matchmaker
by Astarael00
Summary: One shot. Hughes tries to get Roy and Riza together, but fails miserably. Royai, if you squint.


A/N) I know I'm supposed to be working on Crossing the Rubicon, but I've realized that I haven't seen one of these fics done in the FMA section at all. The lack has been glaringly obvious ever since I started looking for them. If you've read a story with the same plot as this one and which was written before this one, I'll take it down. Moving on.

Disclaimer: I don't own Full Metal Alchemist. Believe me, if I did, Hawkeye would've had a _lot_ more scenes. Especially like the one in "After the Rain"…

Operation: Matchmaker

A one-shot

Lieutenant Maes Hughes had a plot. It was dangerous, deadly, and possibly the last thing he would ever do. Okay, so he was exaggerating…but only a little. A self-proclaimed expert on love lives, he had diagnosed his best friend as needing a steady girlfriend at least. Preferably a wife.

The problem? His best friend was Colonel Roy Mustang, the playboy of the untouchable heart. No, that's wrong. Make that "The Playboy of the Untouchable Heart."

But that wasn't all. Hughes actually had a girl – woman, really – in mind for his best friend. He had seen the looks Roy threw her when she wasn't looking. He had also seen the looks she threw him when he wasn't looking.

The problem? This woman's name was First Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye, the lady of the deadly aim. Also wrong. Make that "The Lady of the Deadly Aim."

But all of that aside (and conveniently leaving out the part about fraternization being strictly forbidden), Hughes' plot was perfect. He had so many plans gleaned from so many sources that his plot was fool proof. The plans?

_I had a list of those somewhere…Ah! Here they are._

Hughes studied his little list.

OPERATION: MATCHMAKER

1. Ye olde locked closet trick

2. Destroy (or otherwise…misplace) Riza's uniforms so the change shocks them out of their usual routine.

3. Have one end up at the other's house with nowhere else to go

4. Ye olde mistletoe trick …No, that won't work; it's July.

5. Pray

Hughes frowned. Okay, so it really was a little list. But that was okay; all he needed was for one of the four plans to work. Well…one of three since number three was too complex to pull off alone and he didn't want to endanger anyone else with this. And number five wasn't really an option at all, so that left two plans.

_Only two plans? Against those two? I'm doomed._ Hughes sighed.

"What're you looking at, Maes?" came a familiar voice. Hughes whirled around, hiding his little list in the process.

"Hiya there, Roy! I was just looking at a fabulous picture of my little darling daughter! Don't you wish you had such a great daughter? Do you want to see the picture? I have a lot more, too!" Hughes was bubbling, as usual, but this time was a little different – this time it was a cover up. He hoped Roy didn't notice.

He had nothing to fear. Roy backed away slowly, his hands up in futile defense, coming up with excuses faster than his mouth could say them. "I've got to get back to my Hawkeye will kill me if I need to do my paperwork…"

Roy stopped as Hughes started laughing. "What?" Hughes was still chuckling as he said, "Nothing, nothing, Roy. Go ahead and get back to _your Hawkeye_…" Roy invented seven new shades of red as he beat a hasty retreat.

_I knew it, _thought Hughes gleefully as he went back to his plot. _Okay, then. Plan #1 begins now._

He got up from the bench he had been sitting at as he ate lunch and headed in the general direction of Roy's office, wondering how to accomplish his first objective.

_Let's see. Well, there is that bathroom at the end of the hall…but no, that locks from the inside. That's no good. Oh, right. There's a closet in the hall next to that one. How am I going to lure them into a _closet_, anyway? Ah, I know. Roy will fall for the old "There's a woman in trouble!" trick easily. As for Riza…well, my bet is she'll go anywhere if she thinks Roy's in trouble._

Hughes grinned at his genius as he arrived in front of Roy's office door. After holding his ear against the door for a second to make sure Roy was alone, he grabbed the handles and sent the door flying open, an appropriate look of panic stamped across his face.

"What's wrong, Hughes?" asked Roy, a gratifying look of worry on his face. _I would've made a pretty good actor, I think, _thought Hughes smugly as he answered his best friend. "A woman," he said, pretending to breathe hard, as if he'd run the whole way. "A woman, in that closet next to the cafeteria. She's in trouble! You have to help her!."

Roy nodded and ran off without even asking what was wrong. Hughes grinned. _Now to find…_"Oh, there you are, Riza!" he said, as the aforementioned person walked in. "I've been looking for you everwhere! Roy's in trouble!"

"Where is he?" asked Riza calmly. Trouble with Roy could be anything from getting slapped by a jealous former girlfriend to incinerating his entire office in anger…though obviously the latter hadn't happened, since she was currently standing in it.

"He's in the closet by the cafeteria! Some woman…" he trailed off as Riza left in the middle of his sentence at a near run. _Perfect._

He followed the two quickly and just as Riza entered said closet, he locked the door. _There! That should do it._ Overcome with curiosity, he put his ear against the door to hear what was being said.

"Lieutenant?" asked Roy, mildly surprised at her entrance.

"I heard from Hughes you were in trouble, sir." answered Riza, sounding not out of breath in the slightest though she just beaten the speed record for getting there (the record was set by some very, very hungry members of Roy's little group…).

"And I heard from Hughes that a woman was in trouble." Roy sounded thoughtful. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"I think so, sir."

Hughes stepped back a ways from the door at her tone of voice, but not far enough to prevent himself from getting hit by a door blasted off its hinges by a combination of aimed fire and a lock broken by a well-aimed shot.

He just had time for a passing thought – _How on _earth_ can she shoot that well in the _dark_, for crying out loud? –_ before he hit the opposite wall.

As the two stepped out of the closet, identical and terrifying looks on their faces, Hughes looked up at them sheepishly. "Can't blame a guy for trying…"

"Actually, we can." They said in unison.

The following sounds brought half of the military force stationed there running.

As he was surrounded by fellow soldiers, Hughes mentally struck off numbers one and two…and tried out number five just before he passed out.

(Closing A/N) I apologize in advance if Hughes is a little out of character; I don't really know him well enough to write him IC. Also, I didn't spend a lot of time on this fic, so it's not my best work ever. If you see any typos, misspelled words, etc. tell me in a review so I can fix'em.


End file.
